We all want to be the best parents, teachers and caregivers we can be. Being in the mindful state to guide the children in our care takes patience and an awareness that can sometimes require a good deal of energy. How do we know then when our efforts to be mindful in our caretaking of our children have begun to take root?

It’s usually in the little things that we notice our efforts are taking hold.

My oldest daughter who is 12 has had some friend issues lately. She has a great circle of friends. There is however one particular friend she has known since she was about 7 whom, as she matures, has begun to start trouble among the girls in the circle. There is a girl in the circle, one of my daughter’s closest friends that this girl has recently targeted. There were the beginnings of fist fights and threats at outings that had to be broken up by myself and other parents, name calling, talking behind backs, inappropriate language and dress and general negative behavior that brought the whole group down. It got to the point where my daughter didn’t want to go to the events if these girls were going to be together. My daughter was very upset about the turn of events and asked me what she could do. We talked it over and we uncovered some of the possible roots of the behavior in this girl. My daughter was sad for the girl but knew her friend was having a hard time dealing with the situation and she wanted to help. So knowing that my daughter had been through a similar but much less elevated situation with the same girl I asked,”What worked for you?” She gave me some ideas such as ignoring her when she acted out, continuing to be as nice and polite as she could be without getting too close to her, etc. I said, “Well maybe you and the other girls who have been through this can talk to your friend and give her some ideas.” She acted on it and the results were good but the situation still persisted. One day my daughter came to me and said, “Mom I had a bad dream last night.” I asked, “Do you want to talk about it?” She nodded and proceeded to tell me that she had a dream that the girl was again talking about her friend and in the dream my daughter said to the girl, “I really don’t like it when you talk about my friends like that in front of me.” And then she said the girl beat her up. I said to her, “Well are you afraid she is going to try to beat you up if you say that to her?” She said,” Maybe, but I don’t really think she would.” So about a week later my daughter tells me the most wonderful news. She was gushing as she told me. The girls were together again for an event and the girl began talking about my daughter’s friend as per usual. Out of the blue my daughter said exactly what she had said in the dream and instead of the results from the dream; the girl just shrugged her shoulders and said, “Okay. I won’t then.” What courage that took to confront this person whom she obviously felt threatened by on some level and what great results she had in the end! I was thrilled that she could stand up for her friend that way in spite of the scary dream and the fear she must have felt about confronting the situation.

Here is another event that helped me to see my efforts are taking hold:

The other day, my middle daughter who is 8, was about to take a shower. She had noticed that I had a load of clothes washing. Rather than whining or being rude, she very maturely said to me, “Mommy it makes me uncomfortable when you wash clothes while I take a shower. Will you please turn it off while I am in there?” In the past we have lived in older homes where taking a shower while dishes or clothes were running resulted in a significant loss of water pressure and hot water. We now live in a new home where those issues are no longer a problem except in our own habits. I was impressed that even though her concerns weren’t all that necessary at this point in time, she had the maturity to approach me in the way she did. I could tell she really thought about what she said before she said it. I was happy that she took the time to think through what she wanted to tell me and I knew it was obviously important to her. I thanked her for telling me that in such a great way and I turned off the washer for her. She took her shower and all was well. I could have tried to persuade her that everything would be fine and that our new home doesn’t’ have the same problems our old home did, but you know, in the amount of time it would take to persuade her of that she could have been in and out of the shower and our day could proceed with much more calm. I find it best to choose my battles wisely and I wanted her to see the potential positive impact that thoughtful language can have.

These are just some recent examples I have experienced with my own girls. As I grow as a parent I am trying to take the time to notice and nurture more moments like this. Parenting is a tough job but when your children surprise you by acting out the positive models you have tried to instill in them it really brings home how important and rewarding our job is and can be.

Negotiation

Decision making is an important part of mindful parenting. Listening to everyone’s input prior to making a decision and re-writing how we deal with each other enables everyone’s voice to be heard and ideas that can be ever evolving. Family is a dynamic therefore it is always being influenced by the participants. The last thing I want to do is alienate one of my family members so I do my best to listen to everyone. Everyone may not get what they want, but they do have hope given the manner in which we deal with each other that they will get some of what they want or maybe next time they will get more of what they want (not necessarily materialistic.). Negotiation is an important life skill and I hope that our children are getting some good experience for later in life.

We have a set of rules the girls have to follow everyday. Examples are putting away their clothes, taking a shower or bath, brushing their teeth, respect for each other and property, doing their schoolwork/homework, using polite/respectful words as much as possible, no violence or threats are permitted, they have to make their beds everyday, certain rude or disrespectful words are off limits, they have to ask permission to go out and play and have to ask permission to have a snack unless it is what my husband and I consider to be a healthy snack. These rules do not change.

When we decided to divvy up some of the other chores I told them the chores I needed handled (3 basic kitchen chores) outside of their own personal space and property and left it to them to work it out. The result after some conversation between the 3 girls was my oldest created a chart that rotates every week for 3 weeks and back again. It is on the fridge and the girls know which chore they have to do on that day. The chore has to be done sometimes more than once during a day, particularly if we are doing a lot of cooking, crafts or eating. They can however negotiate and trade chores if they want but if no one wants to trade they are stuck (dishes seems to be the one that is most often up for grabs). Because the children agreed on the way the chores would be handled and came up with the idea on their own, they now feel they own the chart and the way the chores are done. In other words while I told them I expected those chores to be done each day, the way they are done and who does them was not imposed on them, they created the method and are more willing to do them without argument. The chore chart is not written in stone. If the chart becomes cumbersome or doesn't work for them or me at some point they know it can and will be changed, but we will all do our best to come to an agreement on how it will be changed. Until then we use the chore chart daily without thinking about it. We dialogue about the rules and the chores and expectations, and sometimes things are altered sometimes not. Being the leader I have the last word but I listen to all input and make a decision.

This is just one example. We have used it to decide on dinner, on what route we will take to run errands, where we will go on vacation, some of our house rules, and who gets to do what extracurricular activities when (we rotate those too considering the busy schedules and limited funds my husband and I both have at the moment. I don't know how some parents with 2 or more kids are able to get them to all these activities all the time and work and try to be a family too. It is too much in my opinion.). The girls and my husband know that pretty much everything is up for discussion and that not much is written in stone outside of our basic rules. We are constantly re-writing how we deal with each other at home and what gets done and needs to get done.

Here is another example.

My younger 2 girls share a room until we can set aside some funds and time to finish off the upstairs bonus room and bath. After that is completed the oldest will move upstairs and the younger 2 will get the 2 rooms downstairs. As a result of sharing a small space they are always having some sort of difference of opinion as they are completely different in handling the room. As much as they realize they share it, each also feels the space is theirs.

It hit me last night when my middle daughter Lindsey wanted Ivey my youngest to unload her book bag and put it away on the hook behind the door. Ivey wanted to wait to do it later, but Lindsey insisted she do it before bed (can you tell one is a neat freak and the other isn't?). They were arguing and I and my oldest daughter Sydney stepped in to see what we could do. So I said let's discuss this and see if we can reach an agreement. I had each girl tell me their side of the story. Ultimately it was agreed as long as Lindsey didn't have to see the rogue book bag she would be fine, so Ivey hid it behind her stuffed animal basket with the condition that it would be unloaded and put away the next day. I asked the girls to come up with some ideas about how they can get along in the room together and we would talk about them and what might work. Both sides were appeased and I was able to tuck everyone in bed in peace.

A Level of Control

Sometimes you come to the realization that in order to keep a peaceful home, children need a little more control in their day to day lives than they are presently getting. This realization hit me pretty hard a few months ago. My youngest daughter Ivey was having frequent bouts of temper tantrums the likes of which we had not seen since she was a toddler.

I sat down and had a quiet talk with her. I asked her why she was so angry, what all the temper tantrums were about and how we could help. She looked at me and said, “My sisters are always bossing me around, you and daddy are always telling me what to do. Everyone is older than me!” I asked, “Well, honey there are some things we can’t change. Everyone in this house is older than you. What are some things we can do to help you feel better about this?” My daughter said to me, “I want to make some rules too. I want to be the boss sometimes.” So with some input from my other daughters we came up with “Ivey Day”. We implemented Ivey Day on a Tuesday of the next week with a few limits just to keep a potential little tyrant attitude in check. The limits were that she could choose what everyone would have for lunch and dinner, which she would help cook, and she could chose what everyone would play for the day. In other words, she would choose the basic direction of the day but could not impose unrealistic or tyrannical rule and she still had to do her chores and her schoolwork. She spent the next few days looking forward to Ivey Day and when the day came she smiled at me with a twinkle and said, “Today is Ivey Day!” To my surprise all of the girls were very obliging to Ivey Day. They let her make the rules that day without complaint. I didn’t find any one in the family who opposed the new special day and it went off without a hitch. At the end of the day when I was tucking her in bed I asked Ivey, “So how did you like Ivey Day?” She looked me right in the eye and said with a smile, “I liked it!!”

We haven’t decided to make Ivey Day a permanent event every week. The other girls naturally felt entitled to their own day too. This experiment didn’t go as well as the initial Ivey Day so we have kept these special days as something to utilize in the future when someone is feeling the need for a little more control.

This idea came through looking at my child through her eyes and remembering how I felt at times when I was a little girl. I like the idea of this experiment because I can remember being a child and although I was the oldest child in my family I often felt like I was being controlled or I didn’t’ have a say in things. The experiment may go against things that were taught in certain families, I think it shows were flexibility and giving everyone a say can go far in keeping a peaceful home without compromising the basic rules of the household.

Mom, Are You Listening?

Like most families these days, we are busy. My girls enjoy a wide variety of activities and when we are all back together at home they love to tell me about their day. I feel privileged that my children want to share their experiences with me, but to have 3 girls talking at once in excitement can be a stressful, mind numbing experience. So often after a long day of classes, driving everyone around, running errands and work I just want to come home and spend some quiet time to unwind. I don’t want to hear the chatter of little girls, I want silence. However, when I stop and detach, I realize that I am getting just what I wanted! I wanted the girls to talk with me, I wanted to be there for them. Even when I can’t be there, I want to know what they experience, how they feel and share in their excitement, ideas, disappointment, funny moments and so on. I am getting exactly what I want. I remember so often my mother being too busy to listen to me. I remember hearing, “Can we talk about this later?” only later I didn’t’ want to talk about it anymore. The moment was gone. Sometimes it can be difficult to give each daughter her time to talk with me and share everything they want to share in the moment. I am torn between wanting to hear it now and wanting to put them off in order to give each girl undivided time to tell me what is going on in their lives. Some days I do better than others. Invariably I find myself smiling as I listen to their chatter even in my tired haze of trying to unwind and relax. I am happy to be the matriarch of our little world. I am hopeful that as they grow older I can continue to be there to listen to them and do my best to understand in a way that only mothers can.

Connections

My uncle died suddenly recently, and after attending his memorial service I began thinking a lot more about my life and my relationships. It is easy to look at a death like that and think, what is the point of life if we are all going to die anyway? With that attitude, what have you really learned in order to continue living? My uncle was a really fun and loving person and I have fond memories of him. My daughters only knew him for a short time, but he made a big impression on them. He wasn't perfect, but most people who knew him had a high opinion of him. He had a really tough time while growing up, but according to my cousin, he was an optimist and worked hard to give his wife and children better than what he had. He didn't want to repeat history or resign himself to his own upbringing. All of his endeavors have helped build memories for his wife, children and grandchildren that they really seem to treasure.

In thinking about that, I have some thoughts about my own life, relationships, and connections...

I find that I have really lost track of me and what I enjoy doing. I have been too caught up in my responsibilities and holding too tightly to my roles to really enjoy what I have and how much fun life can be. I haven't really been me at all lately but a version of me. I know how to survive quite well, I have struggled and overcome a lot throughout my life and that attitude served me well then, but now what about thriving and really living? I have been in school this past year and took on a high stress job. Well, school is out of the picture for summer and I quit the high stress job, so I think it is time to put the focus on some experiences and connections. Things in my life have been too fast paced and stressful for my taste. It doesn't have to be that way. I have been impatient with my life and my goals because on some level I feel like time is running out for me, my life is slipping away, I am not as young as I was, but in the process I have missed so much by rushing myself and taking on too much.

Being successful in life and happy with the person I am and bringing more enjoyment and awareness of what I want out of my life does not mean that I have to close everything else off by being too focused, feel stressed and impatient or otherwise acting in ways that are unhealthy for me. In the end while I would definitely hurt others by acting in those ways, I would really only end up hurting myself and it wouldn’t prove anything beyond how immature I can be, which is a place I have been and don’t want to go back to. Plus, that takes too much effort and just doesn't feel right for me. I think it means the opposite, loving the life I have and making sure it is tended to in the best way I possibly can, growth can really only come from there in that space. True happiness, or joy to be more precise, cannot be found in running and seeking pleasure outside of me, it has to come from within me. Happiness and unhappiness are largely manifestations of attitude and even choice, to a degree. Essentially, in order for me to be happy and successful I am choosing the route of connection over disconnect. Quite honestly loneliness sux! I don't like merely existing with others, or feeling lonely and alone in a relationship or in life. I want and need those important connections on a variety of levels. It's not about complacency either, but about building on an already strong foundation and making it better, as well as creating new and valuable bonds. It is really an easy choice. Chances are at my age, if I am not finding satisfaction with what I have, I won't find it elsewhere either. Life is too short, I don't want to look back on my life and say that I was stressed and driven, and didn't really have a connection to those people who were, or potentially could be important, or that I threw away important aspects of my life for success, whatever that is, or that I wasn't largely satisfied. Sure there are things I still want to do and goals I still want to reach, but I am not willing to give up what I have, in terms of important relationships, to achieve them. So many people at the pinnacle of fame, fortune and success are lonely and find that all of that hasn't made them any happier than they were before, and some are down right lonely largely because of what they gave up to be where they are materially. Of course I want success, but I don't want to sacrifice important relationships to achieve it. There has to be balance. Material possessions are nice but they are after all transitory, relationships don't have to be. Some are, but the most important ones aren't. When I am old, if I make it that far and when looking back on my life and experience, I don’t want to see that I didn’t nourish or build important long time relationships, but instead pulled into my own little lonely and driven world. As they say you can't take it with you, but what will last most are the memories of who you were, what made you special to other people, what you did for others and with others and how you treated those you love and how you treated those who love you. Like my grandmother said before she died, "All of this here, we are just borrowing it, what is important is that I had love."

Those connections are so important in life and are part of what make life more bearable in the long run, good solid relationships with family, loved ones and friends and they all require time and presence. It seems to me that while no relationship is perfect, some of the essential ingredients for good relationships are good communication, presence, reciprocity, empathy, mutual respect, forgiveness, shared intimacy and interests, honesty, laughter and humor, freedom to be who you are, the space to be alone when you need to be, kindness and thoughtfulness, commitment to the relationship and to the other's well being, and so much else... You can't ignore or neglect a relationship and expect it to improve. You can't put a relationship on autopilot and expect changes. If you don't communicate your needs, you can't expect to have those needs met or expect the other to respond and make changes.

My relationships and connections are part of what helped create who I am today and I value that deeply. While we all change and grow to a degree over time, if we don't spend time with those important people, we really do lose sight of the relationship itself, we grow apart and we lose why we are connected to begin with, which goes back to the core of who you are inside. Even the strongest relationships will crumble under the weight of distance and disconnection. Thoughts of "one day" or "if only" don’t really count. You actually have to do something about it and make it count now. I have some long time commitments to people who are very important to me and I don't want them to flounder because I didn’t make time or tend to them as best I can but relied on “one day”. Bonds usually die of neglect and I don't want to be neglectful because I was too focused on my own success.

Transcending and overcoming hurt, anger, resentment and neglect by truly forgiving take work, and I sure haven't achieved it yet, I am certainly no Buddha, but I am working to do my best to let go of as much of it as I can. I am working to forgive not only myself for my own mistakes and transgressions, but also to try to truly forgive others who may have hurt me along the way, whether it was conscious or unconscious hurt. One way I can move forward and be connected is to let go of hurt and apply forgiveness, if I don't I will be living in the past. I see it as a cycle, the past created the present and the present creates the future.

Because I know many of my connections, relationships, bonds, whatever you want to call them, have been neglected and I think we can all relate to that experience on some level, I have to ask: How do we breathe life into neglected relationships? Nothing will improve without effort. Maybe it takes small steps, a willingness to put aside our pride or hurt feelings or resentments and having good communication and maybe making the first small move? Heck I don't know I am definitely no expert. Those are just some thoughts I have on that and what sound like might make sense.

I find that I also need passion and validation in so many areas of my life and I recently realized that I have needed this for a long time. I have spent so much time nurturing others and that feels great, but what about nurturing me too? I tend not to be very good at taking care of myself and I tend to put more effort into everything and everyone else ahead of me and my needs. After a time it begins to feel exhausting, depleting and empty when I don’t' balance it as I haven't for what seems to be a while now. I somehow manage to put myself into a tailspin of guilt when I do take time for me. I feel like some of my relationships are one sided and off balance, and that hurts deeply. I am really good at taking care of others, but who takes care of me, who validates my efforts, when are my needs met, where is the passion?

Perhaps it means taking time away from the "grind" and creating space for passion to exist more often and getting back to me and my relationships regularly, even if it is in snippets here and there. Passion, however you define it, will never be the same before I became an adult with all that I have to carry on my shoulders, but it can be there as often as I can make space for it to be. It just requires a willingness to bring it, to open to it and to make that space. Yes it won't always be as spontaneous or free like it was in my younger days, it will sometimes have to be intentional through created space, but I am willing to compromise that to have passion once again. It is almost impossible to feel passion in the midst of the daily duties, routines and reminders of our work and responsibilities. Taking regular time away from all of that is really the key.

In terms of validation and nurturing, I am really good at being someone else's cheerleader, sharing someone's passions and ideas and I am a good idea person. I am also really good at supporting someone else, being strong, and getting things done. However, it is so nice to have that reciprocated as much as possible by having a solid, caring, treasured, respected and loving partner, an equal on some level, someone with whom I can share my life with and laugh and love with on an adult term. It is so nice when there is someone standing beside you as your cheerleader too, challenging you, constructively criticizing you, but also being your partner and your biggest fan, wanting you to be your best without feeling competitive about it, watching you love and fully loving you in return, someone who really truly loves you for you, someone who wants you and needs you and feels connected to you. When that is there I feel like what I am doing is meaningful on so many other levels, it helps me be my best, feeling challenged, and keeping me moving forward with confidence rather than stagnating, becoming complacent or resting on my laurels. I miss that and I really need that in my life, it is sorely missing now, and until recently I didn’t realize it was gone. I thought I had it but I now know I don’t any longer. It hurts to come to that realization but it is the truth and the truth can sometimes hurt. I also notice a lot of my needs aren't being met, while I seem to constantly try to meet the needs of others. To a larger degree than I realized until recently, I have put my happiness on hold for others. That is unfair and I am taking steps to remedy that in my life right now in the healthiest ways I know how. As I said life is too short and I can't continue on the path I have been on and remain happy or satisfied in life waiting for “one day” and “if only”.

Being caught up in roles and responsibilities, it is easy to lose sight of what you have and to nurture that to the degree that it needs to be nurtured. It is so easy to just live and exist and forget about that after a time, assuming all is well because no one says otherwise that it isn't. Weeds need to be detected and removed when they first surface, before they take over the whole lawn and kill it. Is there a way to move forward in the future and rediscover what brought a relationship or connection together in the first place and resurface such an important link?

I have some really great people in my life and I want to nourish and tend to that before it is too late. I know that death, illness or destruction could hit at anytime. Most of all I want to be the best person that I can be and part of that is making good decisions, good connections and taking time to be truly present in my relationships. You might not be remembered just for your successes, but undoubtedly you will be remembered for the love you give and have received.

“We worry about what a child will be tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today.”
- Stacie Tauscher

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