1. Try to imagine the world from your child’s point of view, purposefully letting go of your own. Do this every day for at least a few moments to remind you of who this child is and what he or she faces in the world.

2. Imagine how you appear and sound from your child’s point of view; imagine having you as a parent today, in this moment. How might this modify how you carry yourself in your body and in space, how you speak, what you say? How do you want to relate to your child in this moment?

3. Practice seeing your children as perfect just the way they are. Work at accepting them as they are when it is hardest for you to do so.

4. Be mindful of your expectations of your children, and consider whether they are truly in your children’s best interests. Also, be aware of how you communicate those expectations and how they affect your children.

5. Practice altruism, putting the needs of your children above your own whenever possible. Then see if there isn’t some common ground where your needs can also be met. You may be surprised at how much overlap is possible, especially if you are patient and strive for balance.

6. When you feel lost, or at a loss, remember to stand still. Meditate on the whole by bringing your full attention to the situation, to your child, to yourself, to the family. In doing so, you may go beyond thinking and perceive intuitively, with the whole of your being, what really needs to be done.

7. Try embodying silent presence. Listen carefully.

8. Learn to live with tension without losing your own balance. Practice moving into any moment, however difficult, without trying to change anything and without having to have a particular outcome occur. See what is “workable” if you are willing to trust your intuition and best instincts.

9. Apologize to your child when you have betrayed a trust in even a little way. Apologies are healing, and they demonstrate that you see a situation more clearly, or more from your child’s point of view. But “I’m sorry” loses its meaning if we are always saying it, or if we make regret a habit.

10. Every child is special, and every child has special needs. Each sees in an entirely unique way. Hold an image of each child in your heart. Drink in their being, wishing them well.

11. There are very important times when we need to practice being clear and strong and unequivocal with our children. Let this come as much as possible out of awareness and generosity and discernment, rather than out of fear, self-righteousness, or the desire to control. Mindful parenting does not mean being overindulgent, neglectful, or weak; nor does it mean being rigid and controlling.

12. The greatest gift you can give your child is your self. This means that part of your work as a parent is to keep growing in self-knowledge and in awareness. We have to be grounded in the present moment to share what is deepest and best in ourselves.

(excerpt from Positive Futures Network)

Interviews

The following are answers based on interviews conducted with parents for my research. Interviews transcribed to date are below. 14 total interviews are projected at this time.

· What is mindful/spiritual parenting?

· What are some ways you try to incorporate spirituality in your family (not necessarily religion)?

· What are some ways you try to foster a solid sense of identity, good character, self confidence and closeness within your family?

· Who made a difference in your life as a child? Why? What made this person(s) special?

· Describe some obstacles you have experienced to your parenting.

· What are some aspects of your family life you hope your children will take with them when they grow up and become parents themselves?

· Is your child spiritual? How do you know?

· How do parenting and spirituality come together for you?

· What do your think your job is as a parent in regards to spirituality?

What is mindful/spiritual parenting?

I think it probably has to do with being aware of what the whole child is about. Not just being concerned with things like physical safety, and what they are going to have to eat today. But sort of an attention to what that child is on other levels as well as what you are on other levels and an attention to those things that aren’t necessarily verbal or structured. But if you pay some attention to it you both end up getting a lot.

Keeping your mind open to the spiritual aspects of the person and not just looking at them as a physical person.

I would say that its about being to me being focused and being aware of your child’s emotions, and his or her point of view or state of mind and when it comes to discipline and encouragement and being aware of the things you need to do as a parent as far as the things your child needs. I mean we can yell and scream at them, but it’s their effect, and you have to pay attention to that as well. Spiritual for me I think of religion and that sort of thing. Having a religion, in my family it Christian. Values and morals and trying to teach children to be respectful of each other and of themselves.

What are some ways you try to incorporate spirituality in your family (not necessarily religion)?

We have done some church related things partly because I grew up in the church, and even though as an institution I find it lacking in some ways, really there were some things that I found of value and I wanted the kids to at least see that. It was really difficult to find a place that had those things that I value. There was just so much weeding out that needed to be done. But I think that exposure is important. I think telling stories of all kinds is probably real good and relating them to traditions of many people. Allowing the kids to express themselves. We did a lot of drama and music and stuff in our home. I think this is one of those issues too especially we were talking about the 70’s where things were a lot more overt sometimes we did things and sometimes we didn’t. I actually had a book called Meditation for Children. We did a lot of the exercises in there for periods of time, we would put off by the wayside for awhile. There were a lot of times when I would pay attention to things. They still tease me about like “ Oh look at the moon!” Just that enjoyment of the natural stuff that happens around you. What you can see around you, some.. I‘m sure I can think of more.

One thing that is actually part of our religion is that we do spiritual exercises which is something that is supposed to help center you. And to come from a place of love or a place of spirit instead of other things. So we do like a chant that is like a “who” sound. Its an ancient name for god. We will do that sometimes at bed time if the girls are having a problem sometimes we’ll do that. Sometimes I will suggest that they write a question and put it under their pillow we talk about dreams even though we remember them that often. And I guess those are some of the most concrete things. There is probably a lot of small subtle things we do but those are the most concrete.

Of course there is the religious aspects, such as praying and going to church when we can. And around this house we talk about heaven a lot you know because of Marianne, and I think that having its difficult to explain that to Evan and Sydney as well, but I mean we talk about it all the time. That there is something bigger than us, which is a very spiritual concept to me. I mean I am not very religious, but I feel like I am spiritual. Its hard with Evan, but I think with Courtney, she’s 12, you know I can help her find her own spirituality. She went to a private Christian school so she has that grounding. She brings up God, and what she thinks God would want her to do and her choices. And I think that is a lot of it, helping them making good choices, giving them choices, and help them see what is the best choice. But I don’t know if that is spiritual. It’s a really hard word to define.

What are some ways you try to foster a solid sense of identity, good character, self confidence and closeness within your family?

Well I mean there are the celebrations of the birthdays and holidays. That are important. Our kids were often included in things that were more like adult parties. As you know your kids do too. Some of our friends were very receptive to speak with our kids as if they were actual people. It really does make a difference. I think that when that happens you know when they are small, that really makes a difference. You can do it all you want, its when they get out there and see other people, you know that when it all comes back. There is a feeling of being able to accomplish. Where each kid is different and trying to find that balance. Some stuff just happens just because of necessity you know when Amelia was born I went back to nursing school and I started working nights when I graduated. So thee were times when the kids were pretty much on their own, I would be asleep in the house and Caleb would sort of in charge. Trying to create some things they could do with out leaving it all on him. I think he really got a lot out of that. And I was pleased that he didn’t just write off having children. I think there are other things. The other activities they did and all of that and tried to be present for all of that. It is hard to make decisions about all of that. Roseanna wanted to do cheerleading and I just hated that, I encouraged the girls to do sports so someone would be cheering for them. Until High school, and said I have been riding the bench for years and I know how to do some gymnastics, I probably would enjoy doing the cheerleading, and so she did. It was so new for her, it was fun for her. I think talking to your kids when they make mistakes, well that didn’t work” Not that you did something bad, but that didn’t work. I think that is a good metaphor to help kids make decisions.

For us I think a lot of it is being together as a family. And spending time together and doing things together. And trying to be a model, a role model. Positive type things you want, the type of character you want to instill. And just try to surround them with people and places and experiences that will enforce those things that you want.

We try to ensure that our kids have positive reinforcement, um, you know Courtney is 12 and unfortunately it means for her a lot of how she dresses, what she is wearing and that sort of thing. Good table manners, I think positive reinforcement is one of the best things you can do. As far as sense of identity, you know we have a blended family and are going through a custody battle with Courtney’s mom, and its been very important that she feel as much a part of our family as Evan does. Even though she isn’t my biological child, we struggle with that a lot. I mean where do I fit in with her, so I think its important to always make sure that regardless of labels and titles IT doesn’t make any difference as far as how we feel about each other. With Sydney and Evan together all the time, its important to point out that they are different and its okay. Not just that he’s a boy and she’s a girl, but like who likes what and have them take turns what the other person wants to play with. So with Courtney it focuses on being a 12 year old girl. But you know with her grades and her sports. I mean sometimes I just commend her for getting out there and playing softball. I couldn’t do that, I didn’t have the confidence to do that. I think she has been really successful. In the past few years it has been evident that she has a strong sense of self. Maturity and self esteem and has good grades. I mean nothing has slipped. She is amazing. She really is amazing.

Who made a difference in your life as a child? Why? What made this person(s) special?

Well, it’s real obvious to talk about mothers, but in particular my mother was really good about talking about why she was doing things, it wasn’t just these imperious decisions. They had some logic to them. My parents were both real involved in the church, and it wasn’t just for show level, it was obviously meant something in their lives. Through the whole time I would see mom pulling out her books ion Saturday night because she was teaching Sunday school the next day. Pulling from different resources, and stuff like that.

My parents for one. They always believed in me and always believed I could do anything I wanted to do. And they were supportive of things. I think they also influenced me in other ways but by being supportive, but not really pushing me to do more. Which I think would have been good thing, to have a little more push. But yeah, they were probably the biggest influence.

Oh, my grandmother, my mom’s mom, I am the typical middle child, textbook, everything you read about it I am. It is really kind of crazy. I mean even when we were growing up we spent a lot of time with our cousins. And everybody else had a cousin their age except for me. There were 7 of us. I was always the odd man out. But when I was around my grandmother, I never, I was her special one. She always made me feel important and if I didn’t want to do sports, she always recognized the things we could do together, yeah absolutely my grandmother

Describe some obstacles you have experienced to your parenting.

When ever there is a couple together even though you are together you are both individuals. And sometimes when you aren’t on the same wave length about some of these issues and personalities can clash its part of life and kids need to know that. I think its harder when you start talking about peers and the situations they get thrown into. You can’t control that. But again it’s a true thing. One of the things that you have to let it come from within. Sometimes you pick them up and say wow that was rough.

Back in the time we moved here. It seems a lot of the churches and stuff were way more conservative looking at different backgrounds to find that unity of spirit, but back them I had a really hard time. To find some kinds of something to show the kids.

Well I think it is different than I thought it would be. There are more conflicts as I thought there would be, things don’t go as smooth as I had envisioned. Another obstacle is that we live far away from family. A family around and a supportive family around would be helpful. I can’t think of anything else as an obstacle.

Well of course the obvious is being a step parent. That is the most difficult. Of course losing Marianne, which tops everything, but something that I’ve done. Its hard to, there are so many times I have to take a step back and remember I am not her mom. Yeah I do all of the things a mom does for a child. Its not like she comes every other weekend and I just have to maker her a sandwich, she lives here. Since she was 5, yeah so, that has been really difficult. It has been really difficult to have her mom come in and out every once in a while, it really hurts my feeling, because I think well wait a minute. But Courtney has always been really good about letting me know where I stand and where my place is in her heart. I am waiting for the day when she is about 15 and look at me and say “You’re not my mom.” That attitude. So that has been really hard. Many times I can’t make decisions because I don’t really have the right to, medically and all of that. There have been times where Robert and I don’t agree on things which makes things really hard. Like how the children should be disciplined or encouraged or whatever. Sometimes you just don’t know what to do. You can be educated and all of that, but sometimes I just don’t know what to do or if I‘ve done it enough or too much. I know being a parent is 10 times easier than being a step parent. I don’t feel any differently toward Courtney than I do for Evan, but she isn’t mine and I get reminders of that and so it’s hard but totally worth it. The other biggest obstacle is work, and when I’ve been able to be home. It’s a really hard thing to face.

What are some aspects of your family life you hope your children will take with them when they grow up and become parents themselves?

We laugh a lot. Laughter has been really crucial to get us through a lot of rough times. I think that it became real obvious when the kids got into the real rebellious stage but we showed them we will love them forever. Sometimes it was pretty nuts. You look at them now and they seem so nice but wow!

You just try to show them , there were times that were really uncertain. Just conversational style of talking with your kids, when things come up. Paying attention to what the child is worried about or interested in and even when we lose it well this is what this looks like!

What do you think your job is?

I think it really changes as the children’s needs change. We used to say when they were really little, out job is to not ruin them. I think a lot of parents get really hung up on safety I think safety is an issue but you can’t let them run in the street but I think especially that it has become such an obsession we really don’t let the kids live. We need to pay more attention to those deeper levels and their real needs.

There is just so much more. It makes you so much richer when you are able to give that. It’s a gift. Open yourself to other people. People don’t realize that having a child is like having a lover in a lot of ways. It’s a very open relationship.

I hope they will take into their life the emphasis that we put on family. The emphasis that we put on time together. The emphasis that we don’t put on materialism. As of right now my children seem to be much more materialistic than we are. Hopefully that won’t be something that they will continue, they will see more the importance of being family, having family. Spiritually I hope they will take some of their spiritual background with them. Those are probably the most important things.

Wow, that’s a tough one I think if they ever are in a blended situation, I hope they remember how we’ve handled it and can do the same. As far as you know me being a step mom and having a child after we got married. I think that I want them to know its okay to disagree and you can still love each other, how to argue effectively, how to deal with problems. I think Courtney is an amazing example in our family and Sydney’s family about how we dealt with Marianne’s death. She has become even more compassionate towards others and even in dealing with Sydney, and the way she you know interacts with her. I think she is a strong person, she doesn’t’ turn a deaf ear when Sydney wants to talk about Marianne even though it’s painful. I think I am the only example Courtney has had of a good mom. And Robert has such a strong work ethic and such a good provider, and we always come first with him, always.

Is your child spiritual? How do you know?

It is interesting to see. Not one of them attends church, but there are certain aspects of church that they carry with them. Like Roseanna has taken a very service oriented path. Amelia has too she is an artist and is really using it in a service capacity. I think that they have learned that to live a life just for yourself isn’t the way to go. I am really please with that kind of attitude or way of thinking.

Spirituality comes into everything we do. Even washing the dishes. And you are always modeling. No one is 100% all the time, we would all be Buddha’s. Its neat there is just so much more out there now. I think the more people who see this and can see that children aren’t just to be manipulated.

I think so. Sometimes they will talk about their experiences. Beside that my belief is that everything and everyone is spiritual. It depends on their level of recognition. But everything and everyone is spirit.

I know Courtney is, Evan I don’t know, he’s 3, yeah Courtney is. It’s very important to her that she goes by and lives her life like God would want her to do and I think she can enjoy things that I think are spiritual like music or creating things and I think in a lot of things that are spiritual. She is working on being very introspective. And recognizing her feelings and how her actions affect other people and accepting people for who they are.

How do parenting and spirituality come together for you?

Well I think we are experience being children. We grow wiser as we grow older. I think that there is sort of that spiritual path there too. There is this need to submit ourselves sot something that is bigger than us but we don’t necessarily understand. To show them a path that has worked for us. I just read this Rumi poem. Now a lot of his poems could be about children too.

I don’t really think they can be separate. I think that they which goes back to something I said before, its more of an awareness of it. I think the more I use my spirituality and coming from a place of spirit than any other place is what parenting is all about. That is one of my goals, is to constantly be centered and balanced enough so that you can come from that place. Instead of from anger or from frustration from pressure, from other people and other people’s expectations.

That’s a good one. Spirituality I think to me is knowing there is something bigger than us and looking to that and or feeling that and embracing it and leading your life in that direction. If we were just here for no reason then we wouldn’t need to be the same as we need to be. In parenting we want to see our children grow up and be happy and productive. I think those things are all spiritual. If you don’t have something bigger than you to embrace you while you are doing those things then you feel lost.

Not necessarily God but to me that is what it is, but respect and compassion all of those things are spiritual. You know, without a sense of safety and belongingness in this world we just feel so disconnected.

What do your think your job is as a parent in regards to spirituality?

I think a lot of it is being a good role model. Showing them what you think, displaying spirituality. I think also to me spirituality is like a tool if you want to look at it that way. It’s a way of looking at things. There are things you can do to make your life more spiritual, to help you make decisions, to help you decide what’s right for you, to find things that’s right for you.

I think it’s our job to expose children and teach the children our values and morals as well as other peoples. We would like them to have the same as us but whatever they have is okay too. To give them the skills and tools to make decisions for themselves. Expose them to opportunities to be spiritual or to experience spiritual things. Even with Evan going out and looking at bugs and he asks me why it rains, that sort of thing. Big questions. Its hard to figure out, I mean I could say, well it just does, but taking those opportunities and embracing them as ways to teach them. And you know when Evan ahs a melt down, to give him time to be my himself and have his feelings. Instead of just telling him how he should feel. You better not be angry and you better not cry. I don’t like that, that is how I was raised. Bend the rules sometimes, don’t be so rigid. Eat chocolate and marshmallows sometimes if you want. Life is too short.

“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”

-James Baldwin

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